Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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