Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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