I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
