R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
