I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
