positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
All the doctor said was why
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
