And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
