I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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