I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
