I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
