hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
