She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I party with great urgency now.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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