When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
