I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
