you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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