Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want to have your abortion
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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