After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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