How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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