I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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