I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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