Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize