omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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