I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
