Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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