dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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