when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I skipped work to stalk him.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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