I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
