Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
