I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
