i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
