omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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