Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
