We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
