I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
