I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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