I think i sorta joined a cult last night
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
