i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
