i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
