Don't make out with my wife yet
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
