all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
