Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
