Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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