I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
