I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
