Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
