mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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