she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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