How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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