did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think i got beer on your cat.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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