sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
