the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
