I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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