apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
