Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
