I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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